Explaining Things to Non-Humans
by Knight of Black and Gold
Summary: "What is a pornography?" Garth asks. Robin is put in the akward spot of explaining what pornography is to a confused Garth, M'gann, Donna, and Red Tornado. (Two Shot)
1. Curious

**This was originally going to be part of my other fanfiction (Sin and Punishment) but I'm going to start that one over from the beginning to try and improve my writing (and change some continuity). Troia is 15 in this story, Robin is 12.**

* * *

Team Year One

 **MOUNT JUSTICE**

 _Robin (Jason Todd) POV_

"What is a pornography?" Garth asks me. I look at him in fluster.

"It's... It's uhhhhhhh-" I look around, hoping either Troia, Red Tornado or Miss Martian could help explain. Garth's new to English so I assume this is a translation issue. Like how breathing refers to lung rather than gill use. "-hhhhh. Can any of you translate the term?" I ask them wanting to get this conversation over with as soon as possible.

"Pornography," Red Tornado says. I guess he has an Atlantean translator. "A story genre when a cat and a chicken rub each other. Sometimes stories involve multiple cats or chickens. Burnt chicken. Maternal cats. Cats and chickens that are siblings. Generally accompanied with the rubbing of one's own chicken or cat."

"Oh my god," I say at the android as I face palm. "That is not what it is." Now everybody looks at me to guide this conversation.

Normally I would love to screw with these guys and watch them embarrass themselves. But I think Donna would kill me if I did something like that to her... again. "Huhuuhh" I shudder at the thought of what she did last time.

"I am confused," Red Tornado said. "Is pornography not the story of a insertion of a chicken into a cat?" I pause for a second. Everybody is even more confused now.

"Well yes but it that's- Actually scratch that it's- When two or more people- It's when-" I start scratching my head and banging it into the air in frustration. I look to Troia and Miss Martian for help. "Can you guys explain this?"

"Explain what?" Miss Martian asks. "Oh... I don't know what that is either. I think Garfield mentioned it once. " I look at her in shock before turning to Troia. Miss Martian had to have heard that wrong. "It seems like a children's book involving chickens and cats that love each other."

"Donna... please... please tell me you know how to explain-" I beg. Not to Donna but to the gods that gave her knowledge.

"Sorry I've never heard of this pornography?" Donna responded. "Is it like a contest?" She asked that last one looking for a fight.

I entered a state of shock, collapsing to the ground as I realize the awkward conversation that has just been forced upon me.

"How-" They all start paying closer attention. "HOW ARE YOU ALL AIRHEADS?!" I yell at Garth, Troia, Red Tornado, and Miss Martian.

"Correction," Red Tornado says. "My head is made of-"

"It's a figure of speech." I say tugging my face. "It is metaphorical for you are lacking common knowledge."

They all look at me in confusion. Eventually Miss Martian speaks up.

"Ohhhh I get it. A pornography is something we are supposed to use daily," Miss Martian said enthusiastically.

"That sounds like something from a porno," I observe, sulking at my presence amongst idiots.

"Ohhhhhh so I'm doing it right!" she says in joy.

"NO," I yell at her. The rest of them tilt their heads in confusion.

"Then how are we supposed to use a pornography?" Garth asks.

"YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO!" I yell at him. "At least if you don't want Tula to break-up with you."

Now everybody seems to be lost.

"So we are not supposed to do pornography?" Troia asks still clueless.

"YES! Do not use pornography! Ever!" I tell them.

"Then why is it so widespread," Garth asks. "This tells me one-third of all surface dwellers have used a pornography."

"Archives show half of all internet searches on Justice League computers involve pornography. The most popular internet searches on the Justice League computers with 'pornography' followed with tags 'blonde', 'big', 'wonder-" Red Tornado attempted to tell me.

"TMI! TMI! TMI!" I yell.

"What's a TMI? A disease?" Miss Martian asks.

"It's an acronym for 'too much information' around an uncomfortable topic," I yell at them.

"How was informing you of the Justice League search habits involving pornography a so-called TMI?" Red Tornado asked. I collapse onto the ground.

How did it come to this? Why do I have to explain to a Merman, a Robot, a Martian, and a Amazon what porn is? Where in the Robin oath does it say I have to explain porn to a bunch of #$%^ing idiots?

"Because I don't want to know ANYTHING about the Justice League's junk!" I yell out loud.

"What does garbage have to do with pornography?" Garth asks.

"Junk is slang for genitals."

It takes a while but Troia and Miss Martian blush so hard it seems like they have a sunburn. Garth is not giving any of us eye contact.

"What do genitals and pornography have to do with each other?" Red Tornado asks. "Are they inherently linked?"

"...Yes," I tell them unsure of myself. "Well I guess you could also use-" I stare at Donna who did not know what my next word would be, but would probably murder me if I said it out loud. "Never mind."

"So does it or does it not exclusively involve genitals?" Red Tornado asks.

"Well it doesn't need genitals." I say leaving the implication that there is more.

We all look at each other in an awkward standoff. Miss Martian and Garth were clearly stuck in their own heads trying to process everything I just said.

"[Sigh]" I collect my breath and try to focus on this plane of existence. Assuming this is part of reality and not some weird psychic exercise. "I would much rather not get into the details."

"So what do you humans do with genitals?" Miss Martian asks. "I thought it was just for releasing bodily fluids?"

"Just... They are... What is..." These guys are truly hopeless. "Some things are better off without explanation?"

"So can you give us a demonstration?" Donna asks. "I always find those better than an explanation."

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-" my mind blanks at the suggestion. "-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It's something you cannot do alone."

"Then I can help!" Donna says enthusiastically. I start to lose focus on my surroundings by what she just said. I think I'm going to brag about this one day. Or to Nightwing's face.

 **"Recognized. Artemis B07."**

"Hey what are you guys doing?" Artemis asked.

"Robin was going to make pornography with me," Troia says completely unaware of how Artemis would process what she just said. I drop my jaw at what she just told Artemis. Artemis initially looks at Troia, then me, and then everybody else. She keeps smiling as she types into the console.

"Well... I'm sure Batman taught Robin how to do that well," Artemis said casually, not wanting to break the aura.

"Have you made pornography Artemis?" Miss Martian asks. Artemis face showed a feeling of insult at the suggestion.

"Nope," she responds extremely quickly. "It seems like you all are going to have fun, but given that it could take a while its better I take off."

I mouth to her "PLEASE HELP" but she simply ignores me and turns around.

 **"Recognized. Artemis B07."**

Annnnnnnnnnnd she's gone.

"Will you just show us what a porn is?" Garth asks.

"[Groan]" my frustration has peaked. "Okay are you all familiar with what a sex show is?"

"Is that a type of tv show?" M'gann asks. "I don't think Uncle J'onn sent any of those back home." I look to Garth, Tornado, and Donna.

"Please tell me you all know what a commercialized sex industry is."

"Yes," Tornado responded. I'm not sure if I should believe him but he's been around for 70 years.

Garth is silent and looks awkwardly away from us.

"What is sex?" both Miss Martian and Donna ask. Even Garth and Tornado (who I didn't even know could show facial expressions) looked at them dumbstruck.

"Did your parents never tell you where babies come from?" I ask them to know what else I am going to have to tell them about.

"They are sculpted from clay," Donna replies.

"Hatched from an egg," Miss Martian says.

"[sigh] That's not how- Wait!" I try to tell them that you cannot make a human from clay or an egg, but then I realize that M'gann is an alien. Was she hatched from an egg? "Ok I'll ignore the Martian egg thing for a while, but humans are not crafted from clay." I tell Donna.

"Yes they are. That's how Diana and I were born," Donna replies.

"Sureeeeeeee," I say sarcastically.

"You don't believe me?" Donna asks.

"I believe you think that's how babies are made. Even if it's not true," I say that last bit under my breath.

"What are you suggesting?" Donna asked defensively. "That mother lied to me."

"Well... Yeah I don't think you were crafted from magical clay."

"Then how do you think I was brought into this world if not from a magical liquid and clay."

"Please tell me that you are just messing with me," I ask her. "I can believe a magical liquid brought you into this world but not with clay."

"What does any of this have to do with pornography?" Red Tornado interjects.

"Basically pornography is the recording of people trying to create babies!" I yell deeply embarrassed by what I just said.

...

...

Everybody was quiet about what I just said. Garth seemed to understand what it was because his face was so red I thought he was Red Tornado, Red Tornado seemed to just be processing the information, M'gann and Donna still seemed to not understand.

"So pornography is a video of a making a sand sculpture," Donna say in triumph.

"Dear god you are hopeless," I tell her. "It's probably just better you see some porn," I say sarcastically.

"Ok you know what I am going to use the Google of knowledge," she says angry at my insults. She pulls up a holo-computer and opens a browser.

"I don't think you know what you are getting into," I try to warn her.

I look over to see Garth going to the teleportation terminal. I think he finally figured out what the porn is, or at least how to translate it into Atlantean.

 **"Recognized. Tempest B10."**

That traitorous #$$!%^&.

"Why did he-" Miss Martian tries to say.

"I found the hub of pornography!" Donna yells.

"Why don't you search Wonder Woman on the hub?" I say sarcastically.

* * *

Fifteen Minutes Later

 **BATCAVE**

 _Batman POV_

 **"Recognized. Robin B13."**

Robin must be back from the cave.

I walk over to the zeta-tube to ask Robin how his day was but I had to run once I saw him. He was limping slowly towards me, with a heavily damaged costume and multiple cuts on his body. It seemed as though he had been thrown into a wall a bunch of times then swung at with a sword.

"Robin what happened!" I frantically asked him.

"Donna-" Robin proceeds to fall down as I catch him. "Donna thinks I... mastermind... pornography... Wonder Woman... male... first sight..." Robin proceeds to collapse. "...cannot get sarcasm." Robin proceeds to lose consciousness.

"What the #$% happened!."

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 **Hope you enjoyed it. Hopefully I'll have the re-write of my other fanfic up soon.** **Please comment.**


	2. The Talk

**Okay. Did not expect to do a second chapter for this... but popular demand. Finally have the rewrite of my other fanfic up. Please take a look, even if you read the origional I changed some things up. I will try to update that every week/bi-weekly.**

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Two Days Later

 **BATCAVE**

 _Jason Todd POV_

"Are you still not going to tell me what happened?" Bruce asks me.

"Master Bruce I would like you to stop bugging Master Jason about his girlfriend," Alfred says.

"For the last time she is not my girlfriend," I yell at them but all they do is smirk. Why do they keep having to ship me with Donna? WHY?

I can NEVER tell them what happened.

"But Donna did attack you," Bruce asks.

"Yes," I reluctantly say, unsure of how Bruce will take it.

"If a girl attacks you it means that they have a crush."

"That's not why she attacked me."

"Then why did she attack you," he mocks me.

"Because she doesn't understand how the internet works."

"Why would she attack you over that?"

"Why would she attacking me mean that she has a crush on me?"

"Because that is how it starts."

"That might be how it starts with the dominatri-."

"[POW]" Bruce hits me on the head.

"Quit suggesting my ex-girlfriends are prostitutes," he told me.

"One!" I replied. "I suggested one was a prostitute. Then I suggested Catwoman was a dominatrix. Different things. And they both were!"

"[SIGH] But don't say that out loud."

"[RING] [RING] [RING]" Bruce's phone is going off.

"Give me a sec," he says. "Diana what are you calling about?" he asks into the phone.

"Bathing suit. Shackles. A lasso of submission. Now I think you dated two dominatrixes." Bruce then put his hand over the phones speakers.

"She heard that." I look at him in horror before he finally says something that calms me. "I'm joking." Thank god. "Please repeat that I'm talking with-" he paused. Batman never pauses. "I'll ask him about-" Batman has to position the phone away from his ear. Batman sets down the phone. "What happened with you and Donna?"

"It's better that I don't say," I say in fear of what Donna would do to me.

"Well Donna says you put something on the Google of knowledge and then destroyed every computer in the Themysciran embassy."

"[SIGH] I should not have to deal with this."

* * *

That Night

 **MOUNT JUSTICE**

 _Kid Flash POV_

"Will one of you two explain what happened?" Wonder Woman asks in a clearly angry but restrained voice. She was also pointing to the crater in the ground caused by Donna trying to kill Jason. Now the two of them (in civilian clothes, though Jason had bandages on his ankle and head) stood before Wonder Woman, Green Arrow, Batman, and Red Tornado to figure out what happened. I'm surprised Nightwing isn't here. He would love to see Jason get in trouble for whatever Donna tried to kill him for.

"[MUNCH] [MUNCH]"

Zee looks at me. "Whaaaa?" I reply with popcorn stuffed in my mouth.

"Why are you so happy?" Zee asks me.

"I'm not happy. I will be happy once the show starts."

"Donna explain to me why you would inappropriately use your abilities against a defenseless boy," Wonder Woman yells at Donna. Jason seemed angry at the idea of him being defenseless.

"Now I'm getting happy," I whisper to Zee in joy.

"Talk or get the lasso," Wonder Woman told the young protégés.

Both Donna and Jason look at each other before looking to the ground. Jason with insecurity, Donna with a red blush across her face.

"Do you know what happened?" Zee quietly asks me.

"No, [MUNCH] I was hoping to hear what happened here," I respond quietly. "[MUNCH] [MUNCH]"

Not entirely sure what happened but yesterday I walked in and there was crater in the main room. Apparently Donna made the crater while beating Jason and now he has a sprained ankle alongside a concussion. Jason is the first of the two to start speaking.

"I think this whole intervention is unnecessary," he said. "Donna and I are perfectly capable of-"

"Robin I know that you are merely trying to help your friend avoid punishment," Wonder Woman interrupted. "But Donna needs to learn to control her own strength. Unlike you reckless use of her power can easily result in untold destruction. Which is why she must be disciplined for using her strength on petty issues."

"Listen, what happened with that crater was between us."

"Robin. We know you destroyed the video footage of her beating you into the ground," Green Arrow said. "If you are embarrassed from losing a fight to your girlfriend but I have my-"

"[THUMP]"

That loud sound causes us all to look away. I look over and see Donna banging her fist into the ground while mumbling something.

"Gr... gr... il,... nd..." It's too quiet for me to make out.

"-#$$ handed to me a lot by my girlfriend." Green Arrow continues, confused about what is happening around him. Jason goes up to Donna to help her up.

"This was your whole plan," Donna said with dead eyes. She then stood up and grabbed Jason. "You realized you could take advantage of me at that time." She then pulled back her fist as Jason prepared for a beating. "AND NOW YOU HAVE THEM THINKING WHAT YOU WANT!" she said in rage. Wonder Woman had to intervene to hold her protégé back. "THAT I'M SOME TROPHY YOU CAN HANG ON A WALL TO SHOW OFF!"

"Donna stand down!" Wonder Woman asked in concern... for Jason.

Now if I wasn't enjoying Jason at the mercy of an enraged Amazon so much I would have asked the question we are all thinking. What happened between Donna and Jason that caused the warrior princess to try and kill him?

"Perhaps if I may intervene," Red Tornado asks. Donna let go of Jason and Wonder Woman let go of Donna. "I was with Robin and Troia before this incident took place." Now all of us are paying attention to Red Tornado. "Troia offered to-"

"BE QUIET!" Jason and Donna yell at Red Tornado, both of them blushing alot.

"[MUNCH] [MUNCH] [MUNCH] [MUNCH]"

This is sooo good.

Batman, Green Arrow, and Wonder Woman all look at each other before turning their gaze to Jason and Donna.

"Tornado continue," Batman asked. Jason then ran up to RT.

"Please don't," Jason said, kneeling with his hands above his head aimed at Red Tornado. "I beg you."

Wonder Woman then throws her lasso of truth over RT. "Continue talking." She says.

"You do realize that this cannot affect me," RT replied.

Wonder Woman pauses for a second before starting to retract the rope one tug at a time. After she has put it back on her waste she states, "Sorry habit."

"Troia offered to make-" Tornado was interrupted by a projectile he caught in midair. We all look at the origin of the projectile and see Jason in a post-throwing standing. "Did you think you could damage my voice-"

"[VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMP]"

"-bbbbbbbbbbboooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwxxxxxxxxxx..."

Red Tornado proceeds to fall over. The projectile Robin threw just caused an EMP blast to go off.

"Robin!" Batman yelled at his protégé. "What are you doing?!"

"The right thing," Donna said unable to look any of us in the eye.

"Silencing him," Robin replied. "Can Donna and I not have a private life without an intervention?"

"We are your legal guardians. So no." Robin seemed as though he was about to say something before he backed down.

"Alright then," Robin said in defeat. "Then I demand an intervention for your flaws!" Robin yelled at the adults with new energy.

"What?" Green Arrow asked.

"YOU!" he said pointing to Batman. "Why did we get into this position? Because we inherited you're character flaws. You continue to give criminal leniency to your ex-girlfriends, messing up my perspective on inter-gender relations. While YOU!" Jason then points to Wonder Woman. "You continue to be unwilling to learn about anything that you consider immoral, creating an atmosphere of ignorance for your sidekick like an abstinence-only program."

WHOW. Where did that come from? "[MUNCH][MUNCH][MUNCH]"

Zee and Green Arrow are just staring at Jason while Batman and Wonder Woman have to take a step back.

"What!" Wonder Woman was very confused by Jason's suggestion.

"You heard me!" He yelled back. "You two are attempting to shift blame from yourselves for your parental and individual failures to us. The victims of your incompetence by-"

"That's it!" Batman said, not interested in Jason's tangent thoughts. "Your attempts to shift the topic of this conversation from Troia's reckless use of your powers to us, hoping to create so much confusion that these two- " he said pointing to Wonder Woman and Green Arrow "-would forget that you were the victim of a beating by a teammate were doomed."

"I wasn't trying to distract you all," Jason snapped back.

"Then what did my example for inter-gender relations and Wonder Woman's abstinenceprogram do to set up what happened between you and Donna?" Batman replied. Jason seemed as though he was about to say something. Then looked to Donna, then back to Batman and said nothing. Batman was not amused with his sidekick's silence. "I don't know what happened, but I highly doubt it had anything to do with sex ed."

"[THUMP]" Donna colapses on the floor, banging it with her hands. Jason walks over to try and help her. Donna looks at Jason with killer eyes.

"[MUNCH]"

I see in the corner that Wonder Woman is about to get in on the action. This is going to be soooooooo good. What is Jason and Donna's secret!? I have to know. How did he piss off the amazon godess so badly?

"[MUNCH] [MUNCH] [MUNCH] [MUNCH] [MUNCH] [MUNCH]"

"Here we go!" Wonder Woman enthusiastically says, bringing out her lasso. She threw the lasso and engulfed both Jason and Donna tying them together. "Now what-" she is interrupted by Green Arrow.

"Can we talk?" Green Arrow asks. Then the three adults walked into a corner to talk amongst themselves, Wonder Woman keeping Donna and Jason uncomfortably tied together. I try to walk over and listen but Zee stops me.

"Stluda eht ot netsil ot su wolla," Zee casts.

"What do you think is going on Ollie?" Black Canary asks. The spell Zee cast must allow us to listen in.

"This might seem crazy but hear me out," Green Arrow replied. "I think your sidekicks are dating." I look over to see Wonder Woman looking at him in disbelief and fluster.

"What-What evidence do you have?" Wonder Woman asks awkwardly.

"It would make sense," Batman interrupted. "He's trying to stand up to us for some reason. He might be trying to impress her."

"But- Donna has never- She would have-" Wonder Woman could not process what she was hearing.

"Hey I didn't believe it the first time Roy found a girlfriend, but-" Green Arrow tried to say

"However they are incompatible," Batman cut him off. "I can see Jason getting a girlfriend, but I don't think he would get along with Donna."

"Oh come on they seem-" Green Arrow notices that Wonder Woman is walking up to the two.

"Donna. Tell me. Are you and Jason-"

"[ROOOOOOOOOOOM]" A tornado appears around Red Tornado's body. "All functions back online." Red Tornado says. "A low level EMP like that would not keep my processers from functioning for very long." Red Tornado looks at the three other adults.

"Tornado what did Robin try to stop you from telling us," Batman asked.

"That Donna had wanted to make pornography with him," the unemotional machine said.

"[THUMP]" the popcorn hits the ground.

...

...

...

...

"That lucky #$!%#$#," I mutter bellow my teeth.

HOW?

How the #$%^ can a twelve, A #$%^ING TWELVE, year-old get to second base with an Amazon princess?!

Lucky son of a #!$%^ !

NIGHTWING TEACH ME!

Batman's eyes were larger than they normally but focused on Jason and Donna whose face was so red that if she wearing a red hoodie you would think it was floating.

Jason was struggling to get out of the lasso he was tied to Donna with.

Wonder Woman just held onto her lasso with her jaw dropped.

Zatanna hadn't moved. Or breathed. Or blinked.

Green Arrow was on the ground trying to hide his mouth. "He... ha... he..." I think he's laughing and rolling on the ground.

"You- You- " Wonder Woman was also having difficulty comprehending what was going on. "Give me more context." She yelled atTornado.

"Troia held Robin to the ground then demanded that he make pornography, offering herself as an assistant," Red Tornado explained.

Wonder Woman lets go of her lasso.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," Green Arrow laughs away.

"YOU!" Wonder Woman yells at Batman. "What are you teaching him?!" she demanded to know.

"I had nothing to do with this," Batman said very, VERY, defensively. "Maybe my butler-"

"MAYBE YOU! Taught your protégé to use your seductive brainwashing techniques."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Green Arrow was still laughing away.

"FIRST OF ALL!" he snapped back. "It sounds like she tried to coerce him."

"Oh please Bruce you can make people think that they want to do something wh-"

 **"Recognized. Robin B13."**

All of us shift our eyes to the Zeta-Tube where we see the tube activate.

I thought he was tied up.

I look over and see Donna is also out of the rope but she is currently rolling on the ground. "[Sniffle] [Sniffle]" She's crying.

"Bring him back here!" Wonder Woman yells. She runs over to the console. Then she enters the Zeta Tube.

 **"ACCESS DENIED."**

"What!" she said in rage at the computer.

 **"03 Wonder Woman is not allowed to pursue B13 Robin."**

"You gave him administration!" Wonder Woman yelled at Batman.

"He must have hacked the system," Batman said.

 **"Self destruct sequence initiated."**

This causes Zatanna to start paying attention again. Wonder Woman takes a step out of the

 **"3. 2. 1."**

"[BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM]"

* * *

 **KITCHEN, MOUNT JUSTICE**

 _Robin POV_

"[BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM]"

Couldn't actually escape from the cave without getting caught. But I could escape to the kitchen and watch from the camera system.

Now that they think I have left I can just hide here till they calm down.

"AHHHHHHH!" I heard somebody scream in rage.

I look back at the camera and see that Wonder Woman is trying to attack Batman.

Feels nostalgic.

Wonder if that girl attacking has a crush on him.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Please comment. Please read my Young Justice: The Superhero Conspiracy!**

 **I know a lot of you asked for Superboy and Miss Martian stuff, but I don't want to do a one-shot with them until I've fleshed out their relationship in YJ:TSC. Since I have a storyline for that I haven't gotten to write yet.**


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